Psalm 23:6. "Surely goodness and lovingkindness shall follow me all the days of my life..."
I took an afternoon recently to document all God has done in my life in the last four years. Many of you have prayed for Megan over the last four years, that God would have mercy on her and relieve her of the pain of her constant headache. This headache began one morning at the beginning of her sickness with mono, and never went away. It hasn't responded to medication, and we haven't found a cause for it. We have gotten a name for it, New Daily Persistant Headache. Not that that has been very helpful, but it has shown us that there are others.
So I spent an afternoon, and my hand flew through the pages, writing an account of the faithfulness of my God. I can see some of what he's done in Megan's life, and I see so many things He's done in my life. Sitting in a little coffee shop that used to be a Turkish bath, I had to keep wiping tears away that fell involuntarily as I recounted all the lessons I have learned and the ways God has used Megan's suffering to change her mother.
It feels bad to even say it--that God has used her trial so greatly; as if it has been worth it that she has borne up under four years of pain for my growth. But on the contrary, God in His mercy has used it in all of our lives, and submitting to his sovereignty has not been willingly, as much as a realization that I have no other choice than to submit. Like Peter, I have asked, "Lord, to whom shall I go? Only YOU have the words of life."
At every turn I have felt my faith tested. With every new inquiry and hope of maybe this is the solution, maybe this will be her healing. We did tell her at the beginning "No matter what heals you, we will not hold on to that thing or medication or treatment. We will know that Jesus is the One who healed you. When healing comes, it will be coming directly from His hands."
I took time to write these things down because she has had some relief as of late. She has had periods of time where her head has not hurt. That is a new thing for her. Almost too good to be true. As I write, she has had several days that are back to normal, back to constant pain.
I had this thought recently: "What if you were relieved like you had what you wanted, before you got it?" I could picture what it would be like to have that: to have Megan completely done with pain, among several other things I desperately hope for. I could picture the relief I would feel, having gotten what I hoped and prayed for. "What if I had that relief before the thing happened?" Well, I guess that would look a lot like I think faith should look. After all, isn't faith "the assurance of things not seen"? For some reason, this helped me pinpoint my anxiety or lack of trust a little more concretely.
The word in Psalm 23:6 for "follows" is almost always translated "pursues," as in an enemy pursuing to devour and destroy. It is also translated "chase" and "hunt." So God's lovingkindness following us is a little passive, reminding me of a dog that follows along in hopes of a treat. God's lovingkindness is hunting us down, only without any intent to afflict or trouble. He is eagerly, constantly, intently pursuing us with his lovingkindness. He is never passive, never letting trials get in the way of His pursuit. It's not His Lovingkindness vs. Our Trials, it is His lovingkindness encompassing and hemming us in, behind and before, with his mercy in every single season and trial.
Finishing up my time of remembrance, I could only say, "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for not giving me what I asked for."
Psalm 52:8-9. "But as for me, I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I trust in the lovingkindness of God forever and ever. I will give thanks to you forever, because you have done it, and I will wait on Your name, for it is good, in the presence of Your godly ones."
