Staples are not for fruit

II Cor. 3:18 "And we all...beholding the glory of the Lord...are being changed into the same image..."

My 42-ness recently started to rear its ugly head.  All of a sudden I felt, well, old.  Every person in my close proximity was doing everything they could to really get on my nerves, I told myself.  I would just snap in a second over the littlest thing.  I felt passionate about how wrong something was one day and couldn't remember what it was the next.  When I added up the things in my life, they equaled too much.  There are too many interruptions.  There are too many things to train in the two-year-old.  There is too much food that has to come out of this kitchen.  I can't handle life on my own on a good day.  Much less an I-might-be-going-crazy day. 

Ben just stopped screaming at nap time.  He has turned a major obedience corner, and it is a blessing to all of us.  Most notably, he himself is happier.  He would get so out of control when he was tired, kicking and screaming and generally extremely frustrated.  "Just go to sleep!"  I wanted to yell back at him.  Why is it so hard to convince him that it will be best for him to rest and be refreshed?  It sounded like torture just putting him in his bed for a nap.

I am so much like my son.  I might not throw an outward fit, but my inward ones are quite the demonstration of immaturity!  I can't see anything clearly, and I certainly can't see that what I need to do is stop and be quiet.

God reminded me, "apart from me you can do nothing {on any day}." I didn't realize how much I actually did think I could do.  Up until this time I felt fairly self-sufficient.  My "sufficiency" is so completely inadequate.  I told God that He was proving His point, and I wanted to learn my lesson.  

I have always loved John 15.  It is beautifully poetic and goes against everything in me.  I have realized in the last several weeks how much I value strength, especially emotional strength.  I have parented like that, and I have dealt with myself like that.  "For Pete's sake, put on a smile and you would feel a lot better." Which whispers truth, but also lacks compassion for the days when putting on a smile doesn't make everything sparkles and rainbows.  I have to press into Christ in new ways.  I have to rely on His joy and His strength.  I have to deliberately think about what is true more often, more carefully.  "No one lies to you more than you do,*" reminds me to evaluate what I am thinking about, to "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."(II Cor. 10:5)

"You did not choose me, but I chose you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last." (John 15:5).  I can bear some fake fruit, and it can look pretty good, in my own strength.  It gets stapled onto my pathetic, wilting tree and looks attractive, for a while. * Then it starts to rot because it was just faked on and had no Source.  It smells a lot like whitewashed tombs.  

"This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." v. 8.  It is to the Father's glory.  It comes from remaining in the Vine, the true Source.  All the other pasted-on fruit gets me some glory.  It feeds my sense of self-worth and importance.  It makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.  Sitting at the feet of Jesus and begging him for wisdom and joy doesn't get me anything except humility and a renewed acknowledgement that I can't do anything without him.  It doesn't look strong.  It looks pretty weak, actually.

Which is what I am: weak, and messy, and stubborn.  I rebel at the thought of submitting myself to anyone and take pride in my pride.  On my worst days, I am in desperate need of saving.  And on my best days, I am  in desperate need of saving.

There is freedom in acknowledging my messiness.  If I don't claim to be anything significant, repentance really isn't difficult and acknowledging my need for Christ is pretty simple, too.  Spending time with Christ produces fruit that I could never muster up.  Overflow of time with Him enables me to have joy.  Taking in the stream of His grace and drinking deeply of His love will  have an effect on my life, only I won't have to strive to "paste" it on.  And when others see it, I probably won't even be aware it's happening.

It's so counter-intuitive: to stop doing more things when everything feels crazy, and to spend time not doing.  Just sitting.  Quiet.  Not getting anything done, but being changed.  It takes faith to believe that it is the best way to spend my time, that doing more will not produce better results.

It's the only way to joy.  "Be still (literally, cease striving).  Know that I am God.  I will be exalted in the heavens, and I will be exalted in the earth."( Ps. 46:10)  

God, my Provider,  be exalted in my life as I get quiet before you

 and change because I have been beholding Your glory.

*Illustration of stapling on fruit belongs to Paul Tripp.  To read more from a section of his book, "Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands," about heart change, click here.