My months-long writer’s block has not come unexpectedly. My head has been full of thoughts and wonderings, so much so that the words could not come out, even in my journal with plenty of empty pages.
Last year was a year of witnessing tragedy in the lives of those we love. Metastasized cancer in a dear friend, a child going blind in another family, and then the loss of other friends’ 19-year-old son. Not to mention the virtual graveyard of marriages we are witnessing. The verse in Psalm 23 that says, “When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…” made much sense to me. It is our natural tendency to fear evil when we walk so close to death and brokenness, whether in our lives or the lives of those we love. I understood Job when he said, “Your hand is heavy on me…” and truly, God’s hand of trials felt very weighty on our dear friends.
I thought by 43 years old, my wrestling with the seeming dichotomy between God’s sovereignty over all things, combined with His great love and kindness vs. the brokenness and suffering in this world would be all but solved. However, the past few months have made me realize that not only will I not ever really get my head around it, but at the end of all wrestlings, the battle will inevitably end with me having to trust and not lean on my own understanding (Prov. 3, verse 5: looks lovely on a wall, but is not as lovely to walk out on a day-to-day basis).
The question is as old as Job, this asking God, “why?” and trying to figure out what He is doing, why He would allow certain things. And sometimes we get glimpses, like when Ben was born and the midwife was horribly sick, in the end we think, “Wow, wasn’t it amazing that God brought sickness to the midwife so that He could save our lives?!” And what we thought was bad, all of a sudden makes sense to us and we think, “Aha! That is why He would do such a thing.” And we feel better because we reasoned it out.
After all that Job hears and sees of God and His outstanding power in creation, he reminds himself, and us, “How faint is the whisper we hear of Him.” (26:14) If God Almighty, who put this world and stars and seas and everything else into being with the breath of His mouth, declares a thing, decides a thing, I have no option but to repent of my unbelief and arrogance, and ask for strength to believe and walk this path out. I am not God, and, like a friend reminded me recently, I am also not the hero of this story.
You don’t have to tell me that even though I have walked with people who are suffering, in reality my life has been a practical fairy tale. I cannot compare any suffering of mine to those who have been under the very heavy hand of my God. But I do have daily sufferings that I get to entrust to Him. And I firmly believe that unless I recognize His kind sovereignty in even small annoyances, I will never submit to Him when something life-changing happens that takes my breath away. Sometimes it is easy to miss the battle that has to happen in those daily challenges, to take thoughts captive and make them obey Jesus Christ and His kingdom purposes.
Jesus, you reign over this whole broken earth. You reign and rule according to Your goodness and might. Nothing stops your hand. With Job I say, “I know that you can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.” And with Peter, “Lord, to whom shall I go? Only you have the words of eternal life! We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”
Here are some resources that have been a challenge and comfort to me:
Were you There by Ghost Ship
Though He Slay Me
Thanks so much for these words, Becky. You all are always an inspiration to me! :-)
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